Things Kenpachi Would Never Do
by Daikonko
Summary: Formerly Things Kenpachi Would Never Do But Did Anyway. Everyone in the soul society knows the 11th captain is not a warm fuzzy teddy bear; he's more of a warm fuzzy alligator. But, then again even gators have their moments. See the heartwarming, fluffy and downright funny moments of our favorite 11th squad members! Content Warnings inside.


**Title:** Things Kenpachi Would Never Do

**Fandom:**Bleach

**Rating: T**

**Genre:**Family/Friendship

**Pairing:**IkkakuxYumichika, Oneside YumichikaxShuuhei, mostly just no-romance Zaraki fluff

**Summary:**Formerly Things Kenpachi Would Never Do But Did Anyway. Everyone in the soul society knows the 11th captain is not a warm fuzzy teddy bear, he's more of a warm fuzzy alligator. But, then again even gators have their moments. Connected drabbles.

**Disclaimer:**If I owned bleach…well I don't but if I did it would be glorious!

**A/N:**I've decided to keep some of the Japanese terminology, see the bottom for the translation notes. Warning: This story is rated T for swearing, crude remarks and...well the 11th division.

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**Manly:**

There are very few women in the 11th squad, for good reason. Most women do not enjoy being surrounded by sweaty, smelly, drunken fight loving men. Yachiru, Hisako and a few other are some of the few females in the division and thus have the privilege of witness these 'Manly Men'. The 11th squad secretly prides itself in being the men above men, in taking manliness to a whole new level, in being the envy of ever boy, man and old guy. Manly men of the 11th squad at raw eggs with sake every day, and had enough hair on their chests to make Ikkaku 10 wigs. These manly men fart after every meal, bath only when ordered to and general strive to be any new recruits manly role model of manliness.

So of course, when Yumichika fills the bathrooms with flower-smelling hair products, when Ikkaku spends hours painstaking putting on his eye makeup each morning (warpaint!) or when Kenpachi parades down the halls covered in red lipstick with pink bowties in his hair, it's in the manliest way possible.

**Match Maker:**

"I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DUMPED ME!" Wailed Yumichika, both his eyes and nose where red and puffy from crying. Zaraki wondered, not for the first time, how he ended up the one comforting the distraught 5th seat.

"I'm WAY more beautiful than that over grown giraffe woman!" Yumichika spat, Zaraki just passed him more sake and gave him a consoling pat on the back.

"Taichou, what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me?" Yumichika hiccupped miserably, tears flowing freely again. Zaraki made a note go pay a visit to shuuhei Hisagi later.

"ya' didn't do nothing wrong Yumichika, he's not good enough for you anyway." Yumichika perked up slightly, almost willing himself to believe those words.

"Really taichou?"

"Hell yah! You're waaaay out of his league!" Kenpachi slurred. Yumichika set down his sake up and looked at his lap, his violet hair falling in his face.

"Taichou? You haven't seen Ikkaku lately?" he whispered, his expression was impossible to tell.

"what'd ya mean? Oh course I seen Ikkaku!" Yumichika trembled slightly.

"It's just since Shuu-Hisagi-san left me, I feel like Ikkaku's been avoiding me." Zaraki blinked in shock, Hisagi or not Yumichika and Ikkaku had always been inseparable.

"Yumichika, ya sit tight here." Kenpachi rose from his captains seat and made towards the door.

"Captain," Yumichika looked up a crumbled expression on his face "what did I do wrong?!" Kenpachi's face soften.

"Nothing Yumichika" he shut the door softly, trying not to hear the 5th seats cries.

"MADARAME!" Kenpachi roared as he broke down the door to the 3rd seats house.

"Ta-ta-ta-TAICHOU?!" The floor was littered with empty sake bottles, Ikkaku was leaning on the wall and pieces of his broken table.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!" He grabbed Ikkaku by the scruff of his shihakushou and punch him square in the face. The force of the blow sent Ikkaku sprawling to the floor, scattering the empty bottles to the corners of the room.

"Taichou what was that for?" Ikkaku yelled, nursing his bruised jaw.

"What are you doing here? Why is Yumichika sitting at my desk crying his eyes out like love sick teenager?" Ikkaku sat up, glaring at his captain.

"oh, I don't know, maybe cause that bastard Hisagi dumped him?" Zaraki matched Ikkaku's glare with equal intensity.

"Then why aren't you with him?" Ikkaku looked stricken.

"I can't be with him right now."

"The hell you can't!" Barked Zaraki. Ikkaku grabbed a nearby sake jar and smashed it against the wall.

"You don't think I want to be there for him?! It was easy before, he was with Hisagi and I was the wise best friend. But Hisagi's gone now! Yumichika is looking for me to be his friend, but I-I-….." Ikkaku trailed off, grinding his teeth and clenching his fists.

"Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't." Kenpachi waved dismissly, cutting Ikkaku off before he could retort.

"But keep sitting here drinking your ass out sure as hell isn't gonna make it better." Kenpachi gave Ikkaku a swift kick towards the door.

"NOW get your ass moving or I'll kill you!" Ikkaku nodded, both looking hopeful and condemned.

The next morning both Ikkaku and Yumichika entering the training rooms looking considerablely better. Yumichika was beaming so much you could practically touch the happy sparkles. Ikkaku had the biggest shit-eating grin anyone in the 11th had ever seen. Kenpachi patted his two officers on the heads and gave them an approving smile.

Everyone else in the soul society learn Yumichika and Ikkaku where far more destructive together.

Hisagi was dump two weeks later, this may or may not have to do with death threats from a certain spiky haired captain.

**Compassion:**

It was a well known fact in the soul society that Zaraki Kenpachi had three favorites, these favorites were exempt from all rules and traditions that come with the 11th captain. Their names are Yachiru, Ikkaku and Yumichika. If you are not lucky enough to be those three you can expected gruffness where there should be compassion, disinterest in place of concern and disapproval instead of tolerance. And while everyone outside the 11th division may argue otherwise, Zaraki-taichou was not a cruel man.

"Kurotsuchi Mayuri for the construction and experimentation of organic explosive you are mandated to attend an ethics hearing three days from now." Really what did the guy expect when you blow up your own guys, cutting through a guy to get to a hollow is one thing, but secret human bombs was just cowardly in Kenpachi's opinion. Mayuri picked lint of the hem of his shihakushou. Ethics had always been a bothersome set back in many of his more promising experiments. Kenpachi looked around at the other captains, some were clearly displeased by Mayuri's disinterest, others just looked bored.

"You will be imprisoned until the time of said hearing." Mayuri's head shot up so fast Kenpachi swore he hear his neck snap. "Your confinement will begin following the end of this hearing. Upon the request of Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou you may receive visitors at anytime."

Mayuri was actually trembling, Kenpachi noted in almost horror. The small scientist body was shaking in waves and his breathing seemed to come with distinct difficulty.

"Unless there are any objections I declare this captains meeting over. Guards please escort Kurotsuchi-taichou." Kenpachi could actually hear Mayuri wheezing at this point. Six white robed guards began to approach the small captain.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Any of the captain that had made it towards the door froze. Mayuri was release waves of reiatsu that made the bells in Kenpachi's hair chime. The guards seemed unsure how to approach the man. One guard finally seemed to gather enough courage to approach the captain.

"If you would come with us Kurotsuchi-taichou." As he moved to restrain Mayuri's arms, the captain slugged him straight in the face.

"You want to capture me?! You can't make me go back!" Yamamoto-soutaichou had confiscated his zanpakutou before the hearing, but he still managed to look intimidate waving his arms threateningly at the bewildered crowd.

"Kurotsuchi stop this at once!" Soifon was always a people person.

"GYAH! I won't be locked away!" Unfortunately, Yamamoto had forgotten Kurotsuchi's body modifications. His extendable arm detached and grabbed Soifon around the neck, the force pining her against the adjacent wall. This sent the six guards, and the captains into a panic. Swords where drawn, some rushed towards the pinned 2nd captain, others lunged towards the panicking 12th. Despite being completely off his rocker, Zaraki had to hand it to the man, he was a good fighter when he chose to be. Mayuri completely dodged the incoming attacks, only Hitsugaya managed to graze him. Hyorinmaru washing away some of his face paint. With his face half painted, half normal, Zaraki thought Mayuri looked even more insane than before.

"-Jizou!" Mayuri called his zanpakutou, waving an imaginary sword at them. Kenpachi felt a stab of pity. The other captains looked lost. Capturing another captain, even unarmed, with killing him was a challenge.

"God Kurotsuchi you finally lost it?" Mayuri screamed in response. Kenpachi began walking towards him purposefully exaggerating his steps.

"Stay away!" Mayuri began to deploy all manner of weapons, sickles from his ears, minnitature bombs, he even resorted to throwing furniture. Kenpachi just kept watching, most zanpakutou could barely cut him, and while the bombs certainly stung, he merely brushed off the attack.

Getting closer Zaraki could see what a poor state the man was in. His eye oscillated rapidly in their sockets. He was covered in sweat. He'd lost much of his fashion accessories in the fray, which left his navy blue hair clinging to the sides of his face. Even his golden chin nub was gone (he'd thrown it at Kenpachi earlier) finally he was close enough to smell the other man (not pleasant). Mayuri craned his neck to keep eyes on Kenpachi. And..oh god where those tears?! The man definitely wasn't crying, but his face paint had long tracks where water had smudged them and small drops of water were forming in the corners of his eyes.

"Listen you crazy bastard! I don't know where you THINK you are going, but you're not going there." Mayuri gulped air loudly. "The old fart over there got you a nice cushy pad for a few days is all, bet you'll even have a room with a view." Mayuri shook his head.

"Seriously, nothing's gonna happen, you go on 'vacation' for a few days and you can get back to whatever the hell you do, you little freak." Mayuri slowly seemed to relax. At least his breathing even out and he let go of the shoe he'd been using as a weapon. With a nod from Yamamoto the guard VERY cautiously approached the man. He looked almost numb when they escorted him out and refused to meet anyone's stares. Kenpachi gave a satisfied grunt and began the long trudge back to his barracks. He hoped the freak got his head back soon, because no matter how course or cruel the other division may claim Kenpachi to be, he wanted people to be strong (to fight him). He wanted to make people strong and have people make him stronger. So no matter who the person was (creepy scientist or not) he never kicked a man when he was down.

**Proposal:**

Yamamoto-soutaichou stared wideeyed at the papers on his desk. Nothing so this shocking had ever come out of the eleventh division since the previous Kenpachi! Yamamoto picked up the papers, holding them at arm's length. The papers did not explode, they did not attempt to bite him and unlike the other reports or proposals he'd received from the 11th squad they were not covered in blood and candies. God, the paper was double thick manila, with detailed grain and the eleventh squad crest at the top of the page. It even had page numbers! The only thing off about the impeccable document was Kenpachi's jerky handwriting, and even THAT seemed softer and more eye pleasing.

Kenpachi enter the room slamming the doors against the opposite walls with a bang. This was followed by smaller thumps as he stomped, determinedly over to the soutaichou's desk. He stood in front of Yamamoto, arms crossed, looking agitated.

"Well?!" Yamamoto held up a hand, he quickly scanned the proposal form. His eyes widened in shock the further he read.

"This is quite…unexpected." He said after a moment.

"Look old man there ain't no law against it and if-" Yamamoto held up another hand for silence, Kenpachi growled, but quieted.

"I have not rejected your proposal Kenpachi, but I would like to hear your motivations for such an…unconventional…regulation."

"Look I don't care who fucks who, dudes can fuck whoever they want as long as they are strong fighters!"

"But that doesn't explain-" Kenpachi let out an exasperated sigh.

"Look my boys want to get hitched, and well I don't care they're both guys, other people do!" Kenpachi rubbed the back of his neck, not meeting the soutaichou's gaze.

"And o'course they won't say it bothers them, but I can tell it does. I can't change what the rest of the soul society thinks…though maybe kicking in a few heads would help…but I can at least make it so no one can say it's illegal." Kenpachi stormed over to Yamamoto's desk, slamming his hands down and staring challengingly at the commander.

"So you gonna approve this shit or what?" Yamamoto could feel reiatsu peeling of Kenpachi in waves. He smiled reassuringly and stamped the document with the seal of approval.

When gay marriage was declared legal in the soul society, no one objected. After all, no one wanted their heads bashed in by a rampaging Zaraki.

**Commitment:**

Yumichika stood in front of the mirror, furiously smoothing imaginary wrinkles in his clothes. He looked up at himself, any other day he would be pleased with how gorgeous his reflection was, today his eyes narrowed in on the tiny mole near his hairline, the tiny crease above his chin and the white, faded scar above his brow. Rangiku, Hisagi and even Yachiru had attempted to steer him away from the mirror to no avail. The clock, visible in the reflection, ticked loudly behind him.

"Oi, you stand there any longer and Ikkaku's gonna think your balls dropped off." Yumichika cringed.

"Taichou I can't go out there!" He wailed. Luckily, the fear of his makeup smudging was stronger than his urge to cry. Kenpachi scratched the back of his head, he look itchy and constricted in his yellow ****.

"Listen yah fruitcake! Ikkaku's not gonna care if you come out wearin' a barrel, but he's gonna fucking care if you don't show up!" This time Yumichika started crying.

"oh god my eye liner!"

"WHO GIVES A FUCK!" Yumichika angrily turned around to face the captain, his reiatsu spiking dangerously.

"I do! This is supposed to be the most beautiful day of my life! Expect I don't feel pretty." Yumichika wailed despairingly.

"I'm supposed to walk out there and have everyone think I'm beautiful, but I don't feel pretty, I'm not happy and everything is going to be ruined." Kenpachi awkwardly put a massive hand on his shoulder.

"Yer not supposed to feel happy, I guarantee you Ikkaku is feeling just as shitty right now. You're supposed to feel sick and scared and miserable; but trust me, once you get out there on that damn altar you'll feel fucking amazing!" Yumichika sniffled and wiped his eyes. Kenpachi forceful wrenched Yumichika's arm towards him.

"Come on let's go." Yumichika looked up, eyes red and puffy.

"Well don't just stand there gaping like a dumb shit, do you want me to walk with you or not?"

The music started and Ikkaku looked up from his place at the altar. At the other end of the isle stood Yumichika, red and puffy eyed with makeup streaming down his face. His arm was linked with Kenpachi's as they walked towards him.

Ikkaku had never seen anything more beautiful.

**Mother:**

"You see Zaraki-san, I feel Yachiru-chan is lacking a female role model in her life. Yesterday I asked the children to draw their families. I believe the lack of a mother figure in Yachiru's life has lead to her violent tendencies and social awkwardness." Kenpachi Zaraki scratched his head and wished, for the hundredth time, that Yamamoto had assigned someone else to stay in the real world for a month. Not only could he NOT fit Ichigo Kurosaki (he'd tried been arrested and after his fifth attempt given up), but he'd had to take Yachiru to Karakura kindergarten.

"Plenty of folks out there without moms, I don't have one and I'm fine." The look on the teachers face said she thought otherwise, Kenpachi just glared at her.

"As I have just said, Yachiru is violent, the first week of school I had to send three boys to the nurse!"

"'cause they were weak!" Said Yachiru.

"I have yet to see Yachiru play with any of the other girls. I have come to believe that growning up in an all male environment has rendered her incapable to successful female interactions." _God it was like listening to Kurotsuchi. _

"So what if Yachiru doesn't like playing with dolls and make up and shi-stuff." Kenpachi was debating the consequence of stabbing the teacher right then.

"Yachiru needs a female role model!"

"Why?" Both adults turned to the child, Yachiru just repeated her question.

"Well to show you how to become a woman, someone to brush your hair, and help you pick out clothes and put on makeup and talk to you about dating and most importantly help you develop the social skills you need later in life." Kenpachi hated how the woman talked, like Yachiru was some dumb deaf animal. Yachiru smiled.

"Oh course I have one of those!" The teacher look practically giddy.

"Really Yachiru who?"

"Yumi silly!" Kenpachi burst out laughing. He laugh so hard he fell out of the miniscule chair he was sitting in.

"Who is 'Yumi'" asked the teacher warily.

"My5th- errr my son." The teacher looked positively horrified.

"…well since 'Chiru is set on female whatevers, I say we're done here!" Kenpachi scooped up Yachiru and bolted for the door. He'd made it as far as the hallway when the teacher caught up to them.

"I will not let you take that child back to that sort of damaging environment." She was holding a funny pair of sticks and looked quite manic.

"Up yours you crazy bitch! Let's go Yachiru." Kenpachi practically radiated blood lust. He left the teacher frozen in place.

"Ken-chan what was that lady talking about?" Yachiru asked between his jacket folds.

"Nothing Yachiru, nothing at all."

A few days later a help wanted add appeared in the paper.

When Yachiru hit puberty, Zaraki began to think that whole female rolemodel bullshit might have been necessary.

**Acceptance:**

Yumichika sat in the rain soaked mud, not caring that his hair was frizzy and sticking out at odd ends or that his uniform was wrinkled torn and filthy. He'd had no choice, their enemies had been too strong. If it was just him he would have been fine, but Ikkaku had taken a nasty blow to the head and even the captain look less terrifying than usually. He'd had no choice, but now he'd ruined everything. _I don't want them to hate me. I don't want to be alone. _

"feather-brow is hurt!"

"Oi Yumi common we need to get to the fourth-"

"Don't touch me!" Ikkaku halted his approach staring at his friend with a mixture of hurt and confusion.

"Please, I'm so sorry Ikkaku, I'm sorry for everything." _Please don't leave me._ Why, why could he have a normal zanpakutou like Renji or Iba.

"I never wanted this!" Yumichika new crying was shameful, but he could stop the tears from falling.

"Get up Yumichika!" Zaraki forceful lifted the 5th seat to his feet, ignoring his yelp of surprise.

"But Taichou-" Yumichika looked thoroughly confused.

"You think we care your zanpakutous got some fancy flower vines?" Ikkaku stepped forward nodding encouragingly.

"Making it to 5th seat with a half-assed sword that is definitely something I care about though." Yumichika looked up in disbelief. Zaraki gave him a solid clap on the back.

"Now get your ass to the 4th, you've got recruits to intimidate tomorrow!" As Yumichika and Ikkaku headed towards the 4th division Kenpachi called out.

"And Asegawa I don't want to see any of this half-assed zanpakutou crap, you got me? We're the eleventh division, we're proud of our strength!"

**Uncertainty:**

Kenpachi was always confident in a fight. He was always certain to win. It wasn't that he was arrogant, he fully well expected to lose as much as anyone else did; but unlike everyone else, he had a blind recklessness and no sense of the word fear. The reiatsu that could smash buildings didn't hurt either.

When old man Yama had given that a 'dangerous' mission Kenpachi had laughed and said it sounded like fun. A hundred or so massive hollows didn't stand a chance against him, yumichika and ikkaku. Three hours and a lot of bodies later, the hollows where proving more of a challenge than he'd originally thought. Ikkaku screamed next to him. He turned just in time to see his third seat crumple to the ground, blood spews from a gaping wound in his chest. Yumichika shouted, demanded and pleaded with him to get up, but the bald man didn't so much as twitch. For the first time in his life, Zaraki Kenpachi felt uncertain.

**Death:**

It was about a month into his captaincy when he lost his first squad member. Ukitake and Kyoraku had come into his office and explained the delicacies and traditions surrounding a shinigami's funeral. He'd laughed in their faces and shut the door without a word. The next day he'd announced the new funeral traditions for squad 11. Nobody's ever written them down, or if someone has, nobody in the 11th squad is going to sit down and read some dumb instructions on what to do when someone croaks. These traditions are silently engraved on each squad member, they are as follows:

The men of 11th squad lived for fighting. Death was a risk and reward of battle. In the other division when a comrade dies, a funeral is held, the whole division comes all decked out in their funeral best and cries like they actually knew the guy. In the 11th squad there are two ways to honor the dead. They depend on how the person died. If the guy died in retreat, with his back to the enemy. If the guy died betraying his comrades. If the guy died peacefully, outside the heat of battle, without a sword or the enemies blood on his hands. Then, the 11th squad would attend his funeral (it's mandatory, even for Zaraki). Nobody would cry, because, hell, for a squad that lives to fight, if you don't go down fighting or take the easy way out, you might as well have just rolled belly up and died sooner.

If the guy died in the throes of battle. If the guy died protecting his comrades. If he slew as many of his enemies as he could. If he died true to his squad. Then the 11th squad would attend his funeral, dress in their best drinking attire (and 'attire' was up for interpretation). The squad would spend hours describing the battle's he'd had, the enemies he'd slain. They'd describe him good and bad, beautiful and gross. Nothing was left out. After they'd talked themselves silly, someone would pull out the sake and they'd drink until dawn. They'd all leave in a mass of smelly, sweaty bodies. Oddly silent, no matter how drunk. They'd leave a single sake cup, filled to the brim, on the funeral stone. Some might call them, rude or barbaric, but in the 11th squad, men lived to fight and dying was just another battle scar.

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**Translations:**

_Taichou: Captain_

_Soutaichou: Head Captain_

_Fukutaichou: Lieutenant_

_Shihakushou: Shinigami uniform_

_Reiatsu: Spiritual energy_

_Shinigami: Death god_

_Sake: Rice wine_

_-san: Formal name ending, Mr. or Ms._

_Zanpakutou: Shinigami's sword_

**Authors note:**

Hello everyone I hoped you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing this! So I wanted to make a note on the drabble Commitment I based this interaction of Mayuri and Kenpachi's fight in Fade to Black, in case anyone was wondering why Mayuri goes bonkers watch the movie!


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